*marriage wednesdays!*

happy wednesday friends! for this weeks - marriage tip - i am going to go over gottman's fourth principle:
let your partner influence you.

- first do the following fun exercise with your spouse. this will help give you a sense of how well you let your partner influence you.


exercise: the gottman island survival game

scenario: imagine that your cruise ship just sank in the caribbean, and you awaken to find yourselves on a tropical desert island. gilligan and ginger are nowhere in sight—the two of you are the only survivors. one of you is injured. you have no idea where you are. you think there is some chance that people know of the ship’s distress, but you’re not sure. a storm appears to be on the way. you decide that you need to prepare to survive on this island for some time and also to make sure you are spotted by a rescue party. there is a bunch of stuff from the ship on the beach that could help you, but you can only carry ten items total.

your mission: first, each person needs to write down on a separate sheet of paper what you would consider to be the ten most important items to keep from the inventory list, based on your own survival plan. then, rank these items based on their importance to you. there is no right or wrong answers. then, share your list with your partner. together, come up with a consensus list of ten items. you will need to talk it over and work as a team to solve the problem. both of you will need to be influential in discussing the problem and making the final decisions.

ship’s inventory:
1) two changes of clothing
2) am-fm and short wave radio receiver

3) ten gallons of water
4) pots and pans
5) matches
6) shovel
7) backpack

8) toilet paper
9) two tents
10) two sleeping bags

11) knife

12) small life raft with sail
13) sunblock lotion

14) cook stove and lantern

15) long rope

16) two walkie-talkies
17) freeze-dried food for seven days

18) one change of clothing

19) one fifth of whiskey

20) flares

21) compass

22) regional aerial maps

23) gun with six bullets
24) first-aid kit with penicillin

25) oxygen tanks

evaluation of survival game; adapted from gottman and silver’s the seven principles for making marriage work (1999).

1. how effective do you think you were at influencing your spouse?
a. not at all effective
b. neither effective nor ineffective
c. somewhat effective
d. very effective
2. how effective was your spouse at influencing you?
a. not at all effective
b. neither effective nor ineffective
c. somewhat effective
d. very effective
3. did either of you try to dominate the other, or were you competitive with each other?
a. a lot
b. somewhat
c. a little
d. not at all
4. did you sulk or withdraw?
a. a lot
b. somewhat
c. a little
d. not at all
5. did your partner sulk or withdraw?
a. a lot
b. somewhat
c. a little
d. not at all
6. did you have fun?
a. not at all
b. somewhat
c. a little
d. a lot
7. did you work well as a team?
a. not at all
b. a little
c. somewhat
d. a great deal
8. how much irritability or anger did you feel?
a. a lot 

b. some 

c. a little 

d. none
9. how much irritability or anger do you think your partner felt?
a. a lot 

b. some 

c. a little 

d. none
10. did you feel included in the process?
a. not at all
b. a little
c. a reasonable amount
d. a great deal

scoring: give one point for each “a” answer, two points for each “b” answer, three points for each “c” answer, and four points for each “d” answer. average your score with your partner’s by adding them together and dividing the result by 2. this is your final couple score. if your couple score is over 24, then you are doing a good job of accepting each other’s influence and working together as a team. remember, changing old habits takes time and you can always strive to improve yourself and your relationship! commit to talking to each other about your ability to accept influence from each other and work to improve your abilities as a team.

gottman says, "in our long-term study of 130 newlywed couples. . . we have found that even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives' influence. . . our study didn't really find that men should give up all of their personal power and let their wives rule their lives. but we did find that the happiest, most stable marriages in the long run were those where the husband treated his wife with respect and did not resist power sharing and decision making with her."

* i think we all see the importance of letting our partner influence us. and doing fun exercises like the one above can lead us in that direction :)

(if i'm ever stranded on an island - i hope it's as pretty as this! taken from my trip to hawaii 2009.)

hope this was enjoyable - come back next week to join in on the fun of *marriage wednesdays!*