*marriage wednesdays!*

gottman shares seven principles about making marriage work and today is the last one. (sniff sniff)
his final principle, create shared meaning, reminds couples that in order for marriage to be successful and meaningful - you need to create an inner life together. create rituals. create roles, goals, and symbols. essential - creating "inside jokes" and traditions is something that will profoundly influence your relationship with your spouse.

below is a questionnaire that will help you and your spouse see how well you create shared meaning in your relationship. you can answer the questions together or separate - but remember to be honest!

your rituals of connection

1. we see eye to eye about the rituals that involve family dinnertimes in our home. T F
2. holiday meals (like thanksgiving, christmas, passover) are very special and happy times for us (or we both hate them). T F
3. end-of-the-day reunions in our home are generally special times. T F
4. we see eye to eye about the role of tv in our home. T F
5. bedtimes are generally good times for being close. T F
6. during the weekends we do a lot of things together that we enjoy and value. T F
7. we have the same values about entertaining in our home (having friends over, parties, and so on.) T F
8. we both value, or both dislike, special celebrations (like birthdays, anniversaries, family reunions.) T F
9. when i become sick, iI feel taken care of and loved by my spouse. T F
10. i really look forward to and enjoy our vacations and the travel we do together. T F
11. spending our morning time together is special to us. T F
12. when we do errands together, we generally have a good time. T F
13. we have ways of becoming renewed and refreshed when we are burned out or fatigued. T F

scoring: give yourself one point for each “true” answer. if you score below three, your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. 

your roles

·         1. we share many similar values in our roles as husband and wife.  T  F

·         2. we share many similar values in our roles as mother and father.  T  F

·         3. we have many similar views about what it means to be a good friend to others.  T  F

·         4. my partner and i have compatible views about the role of work in one’s life.  T  F

·         5. my partner and i have similar philosophies about balancing work and family life.  T  F

·        6.  my partner supports what i would see as my basic mission in my life.  T  F

·         7. my partner shares my views on the importance of family and kin (sisters, brothers, moms, dads)               in our life  together.  T  F

scoring: give yourself one point for each “true” answer. if you score below three, your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. 

your goals

·         1. we share many of the same goals in our life together.  T  F

·        2. if i were to look back on my life in very old age, i think i would see that our paths had meshed very well.  T  F

·         3. my partner values my accomplishments.  T  F

·         4. my partner honors the personal goals i have that are unrelated to our marriage.  T  F

·         5. we share many of the same goals for others who are important to us (children, kin, friends, and community).  T  F

·         6. we have very similar financial goals.  T  F

·         7. we tend to have compatible worries about potential financial disasters.  T  F

·         8. our hopes and aspirations, as individuals and together, for our children, for our life in general, and for our old age are quite compatible.  T  F

·         9. even when different, we have been able to find a way to honor our life dreams.  T  F 

scoring: give yourself one point for each “true” answer. if you score below three, your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. 

your symbols

·         1. we see eye to eye about what home means.  T  F

·        2. our philosophies of what love ought to be are quite compatible.  T  F

·         3. we have similar values about the importance of peacefulness in our lives.  T  F

·         4. we have similar values about the meaning of family.  T  F

·         5. we have similar views about the role of sex in our lives.  T  F

·         6. we have similar views about the role of love and affection in our lives.  T  F

·         7. we have similar values about the meaning of being married.  T  F

·         8. we have similar values about the importance and meaning of money in our lives.  T  F

·         9. we have similar values about the importance of fun and play in our lives.  T  F

·        10. we have similar values about the significance of adventure.  T  F

·         11. we have similar values about trust.  T  F

·         12. we have similar values about personal freedom.  T  F

·         13. we have similar values about autonomy and independence.  T  F

·         14. we have similar values about sharing power in our marriage.  T  F

·         15. we have similar values about being interdependent, being a “we.”  T  F

·         16. we have similar values about the meaning of having possessions, of owning things (like cars, nice clothes, books, music, a house, and land).  T  F

·         17. we have similar values about the meaning of nature and of our relationship to the seasons.  T  F

·         18. we are both sentimental and tend to reminisce about things in our past.  T  F

·         19. we have similar views about what we want in retirement and old age.  T  F

scoring: give yourself one point for each “true” answer. if you score below three, your marriage could stand some improvement in this area. 

to explore with your spouse the meaning of goals in your individual lives and your marriage, answer the following questions:

1. write a “mission statement” of what your mission in life is. write your own obituary. what would you like it to say?
2. what goals do you have in life, for yourself, for your spouse, for your children? what do you want to accomplish in the next five to ten years?
3. what is one life dream that you want to fulfill before you die?
4. we often fill our time with things that demand our immediate attention-putting out fires, so to speak. but what are the truly important things in your life that are great sources of energy and pleasure that you really need to block out time for, the important things that keep getting postponed or crowded out?
5. what is the role of spirituality in your lives? what was this role in your families growing up? how should this be in your family?

* i taught this principle in a workshop recently and the couples that attended really enjoyed doing this exercise. i believe it helped bring to light many things that strengthened their marriage.

* i hope these marriage principles have helped. gottman is a genius when it comes to marriage and his book has really taught me a thing or two! 

* go back and read about the other six principles here!

happy wednesday :)